Tribute to my late wife.1934-2009(Deepen rambling)

Beauty rare,
Ne'er seen,

Both outside,
And between,

Life coloured,
Sweet, demure,

Came to me,
So very sure,

We'er complete,
By your hand,

To each other,
One gold band,

Loves creation,
Life brings,

Two so small,
Our siblings,

Grown now,
Proud, adult,

Happy we,
To a fault,

Chapter ends,
Now my sweet,

Reclaim your Angel,
Lord, work complete.

The last post.......(Deepen Rambling).

Today has been one huge suprise and no mistake, cant believe what's happened.
It is almost one year since my good Lady departed after fighting the dreaded Altz.....
for almost ten years, during which I witnessed a healthy woman turned into a
living skeleton. How can life be oh so very cruel, well if there is a reason that makes
sense, in the name of all sanity I cannot recognise it. At the very least, a feeling of great
pride and comfort flows within me in the knowledge that I cared for her on a 7/24
basis for over seven years. During that time a "Learning Curve"was experienced in dealing with all aspects of the dementia, including Incontinance. Also, one of the worst aspects was witnessing on a day to day basis my life long friend losing her sanity(for want of a better description) as though a tap projecting from one of her ankles had a dripping leak and her life force was draining away, one drop at a time. From then on I was forced to commit my Soulmate to
an institution (AMI) as lifting and general handling became impossible, also my own health was at this point in great decline.
It would appear I have digressed from my origional point, which is, this morning was the day chosen to scatter the ashes and yours truly turned up at the appointed place in the local cemetary. After this short ceremony and the undertaker had left, a huge wave of emotion
decended upon me which took me by suprise I can tell you, WoW!! "Where did that come from." For about another half hour my thoughts were all over the place, with the spring wind
blowing it's icey vengeance and me totally oblivious to this at the time. As I sat upon a bench seat, everything causing me bother seemed to be presented before me, as if watching a film and all of a sudden everything was crystal clear at the end and I knew exactly what to do and how to put things to rights. This sort of an event is not what one expects others to understand but the experience convinced me how to proceed from that point. I did find one sympathetic ear though with a friend who had experienced her own exceptional occurance during the bereavement of two of her close relations. One thought has stayed with me though, "End of one lifetime......End of an era.......End of the final chapter." My Wifes wish was not to be left alone after me and she certainly achieved that at the end of her journey through life although I know this way would not have been her chosen vehicle. It is also patently obvious to me now why she had a morbid fear of being alone.................Not only that but the whole world seems to have changed, people mostly much younger seem to be more mature, confident and carry on like they have invented the wheel ,(and other things of course, Uhum!!)............I suppose Lord Byron clinched it when he wrote............All the world is queer but thee and me.............and at times even thee seems a little queer....................... It aint no picnic,....innit?
"Move on Dee".....................Deepen.

Be sweet-be kind and ye shall find.(Deepen Rambling)

Emotion felt when first we see,
Strong words oft' so unkind,
From people just like you and me,
Reveal most are quite blind,
With eyes wide shut and cruel remarks,
Of things known very little,
Instead the focus lest our talk,
Should seem so uncommital................................Deepen.

Where do I go from here?? (Deepen Rambling.)

As the first aniversary date of becoming a Widdower draws ever nearer, I have, for a while, been considering "where I want to be" and what my needs are, how to create harmony in my life, that sort of thing. Well you know, after so many years of marriage (more than I choose to remember) it seems to be a whole new world and lifestyle, one which I dont understand fully. One thing of which is certain..........I do like the Bachelour thing though and quite often enjoy to be alone at my home just reflecting on this new found status. Not in a million years did I expect to find contentment with my own company as this is something not previously experienced also luxuriating within my own "Pile" in smug satisfaction. However, and this is the real Stonker, I do miss femail company although my almost daily activities include socialising with ladies, two of whom are great platonic friendly trainers. This said, recently like so many others it would seem, my considerations have been to look at "Dating internet sites" to find that the owners are the only ones to benefit therafter. Maybe we, and I include myself into this comment, expect too much instantly in this "Instant take away society" with everything, it would seem, "Ready made". There is one point which I feel is worth mentioning though and am quite aware how the following comments will upset quite a few folks but it is certainly strange to me why so many people advertise their marital status as "Devorced". Surely this is not something to wear like a "badge of honour", or even an achievement as it is a statement of failure in my book. Look, before anyone starts to throw their dummy out of their pram, let me say that my marriage was "Terminated", after nearly 50years, because I committed my Wife, by reason of necessity, to an Adult Mental Institution, not because of a breakdown of Vows. Believe me, this was traumatic in the extreme and to further exasibate this insult,I am seen by most as if to be telling lies, but yes it has happened.........Fact.!! Perhaps these comments would be seen by some as too harsh, but hey! read-on.......... During my limited activities in this field one cannot help noticing other various patterns like so many people looking for "Soulmates", marriage and that kind of thing like shopping in a supermarket with specific criteria in mind. Will someone please explain to me how to pick one of these "catagories" without actually contacting-meeting-speaking-smiling-laughing-touching, etc etc. What about feelings??? does nobody feel a "Buzz" or hear bells ringing? and what about on a first date experiencing that "Heartpounding" moment followed sometimes by hot flushes? The sound of the other persons voice or a certain mannerism, is all this Mating game digerydoo out of fashion? How can we know if the person we see on the 'putor screen is going to "float our boat?"........ so why dont more people "Get in there" and give it a go?? Well I suppose there is always two sides to a story and no doubt being as my intentions are honourable cannot appreciate this. It is quite noticable on more than one occasion, this remark about, "Are there any decent men still left out there?",well I am......... for one.........You know there is no such thing as, "All men/women are the same", we either are, or not and that is a fact..........Period! As for me? well if there is anyone who fancies meeting up sometime for a meal/drink, then perhaps becoming friends later with a genuine guy that I work hard to be these days, then let's exchange piccies and get talking.......Yeh?.................Give it a go!......................................Deepen.

Time for a change I think...(Deepen Rambling.)

After many a year, in fact more than I care to remember, and being as making my own decisions is the order of the day, thought it about time for a change. So.........decided to raid the old Piggy bank and carry out a number of home improvements, well......what a lora-lora laughs that decision turned out to be.......NOT!!
Firstly, dont please run away with the idea that this is an exercise in crass stupidity, mearly an account of my experiences which no doubt many many others can relate to and have simpathy with. It certainly does seem to me now, at the almost nearing completion stage, that to take a slow boat to China and let the "Devil" have the reigns, driving onwards relentlessly to a hopefully satisfactory completion, preferable to risking ones sanity.

I mean "Sparky" can only be available on a certain day, while "Plumbob" can be present maybe a week next "Pancake" day and then the Guy who is doing the extractor widget.......well he will put in an appearance sometime maybe never it would seem. And after all this 'ere manouvering, the whole thing is thrown in to turmoil by last minute "Sorry mate but something came up and I could not get that day or the "Thingy" for the"Hurdy Gurdy" supplier let me down. As if all this circus performance is not sufficient the Guy with brushes and what seems like endless pots of different coloured paints and sticky stuff takes over with dust sheets covering cupboards and worktops effectively barring me from my "Nosebag". Then, would you believe, another guy appears at the kitchen door boots covered in concrete begging for access to the far side of the house because he has effectively worked the wrong way whilst laying the concrete and has snookered himself.

Of course, I hear you cry, "We have all endured that problem so stop wingeing Dee it can only get better" well maybe so and of course, inevitably it will, but that China trip does seem quite appealing right now.
That reminds me of a story from the late and great Les Dawson............
"There was a young man from Bombay......
Who sailed to China one day"
"He was strapped to the tiller.....
with a sex mad Gorilla",
"And China is a very long way"!!!!
I swear, the next person who enquires into what progress has been made, or gives their informed version of how it should have been done could well find themselves in hospital awaiting a proceedure for the removal of a certain object from some part of their anatomy.Or maybe not.............................................................................Deepen